A Material Crisis

Former Baghdad dwelling roommate writes:

I’m in the US. I finished the deployment.

 Currently London dwelling fatcat writes:

Congratulations on getting home safe and sound. When you want to exploit your experiences with book rights and movie deals it is helpful to survive.

Above the glass ceiling we think about the impact of our actions in a 360 degree sphere of value creation. We have good court sense, understanding the full impact of our action vectors. As such, I wonder if you have fully considered the impact of your finished deployment on my ability to blog. I don’t think you have.

To keep the vitality of the writing project alive I think we should find some additional places you can travel and get in harms way. If I could suggest you become a kindergarten cop or a school hall monitor. Those little monsters can provide great material. Maybe you could be a taser test subject, or a hybrid car crash test dummy.

There’s no YOU in team and I hope once you have had a chance to relax and readjust to civilization you’ll once again embrace the fantastic opportunity to create material that you putting yourself in harms way affords us both.

The Music Trade

Roommate writes from Baghdad:

I cannot download music here. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to purchase a copy of the CD (which is readily available in England) and mail it to me.

Lafo replies from London:

I am glad to support our forces in the field with the acquisition and delivery of entertainment. Being an executive of some influence in entertainment field I consider doing so patriotic act. Unfortunately I will have to ask around to find out how to purchase a CD as I don’t actually do it myself.

In the corridors of power we try to avoid the retail end of things because while retailing products is useful in making money from others it’s a needlessly expensive way to acquire what you want. For example, when it comes to music I have interns at the office download my song selections from super fast websites and load them into my music player. These interns are young and useful for doing such technical chores.

Like what I’ve done with my interns perhaps you can enlist a couple of young soldiers to work out a way to pull music from digital devices and store them in a single place. You can collect music from your fellows as they arrive and distribute it to curry favor with your colleagues. With such a resource you would enhance your unique position at the base. If the lawyers from the music companies come after you for doing this, cite wartime conditions and back them off by waving around the Patriot Act.

Repackaged Complaining

Roommate writes from Iraq:

What we do is complain. And this goes way back, by the way. If you could listen in on a conversation in any camp of the Roman Legion or any formation of Spartan or Athenian Infantry, you would hear men complaining about the food, the pay, the marching, and their officers Fast forward to Iraq and Afghanistan: same-same.

Lafo responds from the UK:

And for centuries the complaints of soldiers have formed the baseline for innovation and out of the box thinking. Without the clear knowledge of what is wrong we cannot know which hurdles to jump. Where some see complaints, others see opportunity.

Above the glass ceiling we let ourselves complain endlessly because we know it to be a brainstorming exercise. I can recall a six month process of relentless feedback which ended up at the CEO level regarding the unacceptably small width of my personal parking space. It was completely distracting to be constantly worried about getting a ding on the door of my new Beemer.

For you I recommend using an old trick from the business world. Listen carefully to the complaints of the group around you and package them all into a ‘solution set’ with your name on it. Simply reverse the nature of each complaint and turn it into an action item. Your solution package will lift you above the herd and earn you a seat at Senate Committee Hearings and guest appearances on the Kathy Griffin’s “My Life on the D List.”

Larger Than Life

Roommate writes from Baghdad:

My colleague’s departure has created a hole in the organization and as nature abhors a vacuum I have decided to up my game and become larger than life.

Lafo responds from London:

It is very good to hear you say those words. I can imagine that your ability to stand out with a proper use of a reflective vest, your connections with US Senatorial assistants and your control of the luxury suite will all contribute to a new oversized you.

Above the glass ceiling we are all larger than life. As a matter of principles if you are the same size as life you are not allowed to pass upward to the halls of greatness. As wielders of corporate power we don’t stand on the shoulders of giants, we are the giants. The press, the party circuit and private jets are all instruments that tastefully increase personal mass.

For you I recommend a high visibility operation with helicopters and explosions. Good for video cuts. Then leak the action on YouTube with your voiceover and a press release to followup. Any discomfort felt at the command level will be counteracted by your witty appearance on The Maury Povich Show. With such a larger than life plan you will without doubt write your place into the lucrative chapters of the annals of Victory.

Reflecting on Authority

Roommate writes from the Green Zone:

Recently a policy directive was sent out from the command that demanded that all Soldiers, Sailors, Airman, and Marines were to wear reflective vests over their uniforms during periods of darkness. The purpose of the directive is to prevent Soldiers from being hit by vehicles. We are so good to our enemies. We want to make sure that they have an aim point when shooting us at night.

LaFo writes from Zone One:

The wearing of a reflective vest communicates an authority that can impress the locals and inspire them to embrace their civic duty. The beauty of the reflective vest is that it differentiates the wearer and marks them as worthy of respect. Take for example the construction worker directing traffic at the dusty detour spot. When vest man says stop, you stop.

Above the glass ceiling we always try to differentiate in order to inspire. For example, when presenting at a seminar on offshore profit strategies we wear that smart casual shirt and trouser combination to show we exist in a state of zenlike calm as we send jobs to the third world. A tasteful cuff fastener communicates our solid grounding in the tradition of exclusivity that is the hallmark of the few that make it to our level.

A policy can at first glance seem unenlightened can on full study prove to be a vehicle that serves a higher purpose. If you look here you may find that the simple reflective vest worn by all the troops is a commitment to the worldwide dissemination of American style gravitas.

Army Sex Education

Roommate Writes from Baghdad:

I received a Sexual Harassment Brief at the Pentagon in May, again at Ft. Benning prior to deploying and then again in July in Iraq. I was not happy that I had to spend valuable deployment prep time at Benning a few days before deploying to a combat zone. I can think of a few other classes that should have been given. I was even unhappier having to spend two hours receiving the same brief while in Iraq

Lafo responds from London:

In the entertainment world we believe that rote learning is the loom upon which we weave the cloth of innovative thinking. For you, replacing sessions on medical aid, fire and maneuver and IED awareness with repeated good touch/bad touch classes will keep you and your horny colleagues thinking outside the box while keeping your more unseemly weapons on safe.

The good news is in the event of a misfire in the barracks shower or an untoward rub up in the storage shed the attorneys can insulate the reputation of the chain of command with an asbestos filling of class rosters and procedural documentation.

It is the way of our people that the edifice of moral superiority creates the structural foundation for increased combat power. Let us discourage anything that openly threatens moral superiority and quietly devote resources to providing the troops booze, online porn and personal time for masturbation.

Walking with the Powerful

Former Roommate writes from the Green Zone:
 
I had a conversation with a US Senator and his Military Legislative Affairs (MLA) staffer who were in Iraq getting a bit o’ ground truth. They asked me for my opinion about what is going on over here and I chose instead to complain about having to keep my weapon unloaded everywhere I go. How lame is that?
 

Lafo responds from Zone One:
 
Not lame, but definitely a missed opportunity. When walking in the shadow of the powerful I try to only whisper platitudes in their hairless ears so as to not distract them from navigating the velvet carpeted path of greatness. The worthy never want to hear of our problems, only how we will do our small part to enhance the glory of their solutions.

For example, I would have enlisted the services of a bespectacled intelligence analyst to research the Senate voting record and then proceeded to assure the Senator that every position he ever endorsed is progressing with stunning success. Then off to the Luxury Suite for a lively firefight and afterward a roaring cavalcade to a converted ex-palace for an illicit nightcap with some 10 year old Scotch set aside for a visit from someone as illustrious as He.

I find that breathing deeply the ass exhaust of the powerful clears the emotional bracken of extraneous self worth and assures a steady ascent to the peak of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs.

Insurance Claims

Former roommate writes from Baghdad:

I was finishing up the day when an email shot across the net telling folks that the camp where I live was closed until further notice because rounds had fallen on the area and one had yet to be defused. When the all clear was finally called I went to the camp note knowing if my home was still there. It felt a bit freaky.

I could picture the call to my insurance company:

“Hello, this is Sandra at USAA, how can I help you?”
“Well… uh… I need to submit a claim for my laptop and some other stuff that was destroyed today…”

Lafo responds from London:

Good friend, review your renters policy and be careful of deductibles and clauses for and Acts of Allah. You have to extract max value from the $139.99 per month standard contents insurance policy. You might raise some havoc with the insurance drones if you submit a claim for ‘assorted mortar fire.’  In case that inconvenient mortar round obliterates your belongings, can I suggest you cite as the cause the more common and acceptable ‘theft’ or ‘flooding.’

Why just recently my long suffering wife threw at me and broke my own laptop when I arrived home after a booze fueled night with the boys. The matter was resolved to everyone’s satisfaction with a quick claim of ‘vandalism.’

Remember that an ethical life is the foundation of democracy, but a white lie in the cause of force preparedness can also serve as a flying buttress for the cathedral of freedom.

Request for Recommendations

Former Roommate writes from the Green Zone in Baghdad:

“WHUMP…WHUMP/WHUMP!” Mortar attack. I was only a few feet away from a “Duck and Cover” so I jumped in. A gate guard immediately followed. Then another person. And another. Within seconds, the Duck and Cover was at capacity, with about 10 or more people all jammed into that small environ in 120 degrees heat.

Lafo response from Zone One in London:

These stories about you ducking mortar fire and wielding your kung-fu grip to strangle Commies are real crowd pleasers. I just can’t get enough of them. Maybe you could punch them up a bit by sharing some celebrity sightings or better yet Baghdad restaurant recommendations. It is terribly useful to be able to reach into your kit bag and pull out a “top 5″ list.

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Luxury Suite

Former roommate writes from the Baghdad’s Green Zone: 

Suddenly a horrific gun battle erupts about 400 meters away.  Light machine guns versus small arms. I am on a balcony sort of thing on the second floor of a building overlooking the part of the city where the fight was taking place.

Lafo responds from London’s Zone One:

When you have seats with a great view elevated above a show you can call it a luxury suite. With a little hospitality (cold cuts, champagne, hot pockets) you could charge corporates a nice amount for client entertainment. Think outside the box and innovate, innovate, innovate.

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