Guards & Prisoners

From a friend:

Where is the blog? Haven’t seen an update in a while….

Lafo responds:

Oh, apologies for not stopping my life to crack a joke or two to lighten your day, Mr. Real Estate Man. Hey, haven’t seen any new buildings being built in your neighborhood. Why have you been slacking off? How does some of that sugar feel spread on your bagel? Mr. Let’s Use Peer Pressure to Elevate Our Friend’s Performance.

So now we WATCH each other to ensure we’re up to some concept of productivity levels?  What kind of communist manifestation am I seeing here? You count my posts per week now and send me a reminder to pick up the pace now. Mr. Report My Buddies Low Productivity to Authorities.  

Its an electronic version of the guards and prisoners experiment and you are standing there in mirrored sunglasses with a baton in your hand ready to beat me to a pulp when I don’t give you a giggle on command. I see Shawshank but I’m not seeing much redemption.  Mr. Buy Me Jackboots For Christmas and Call Me Saddam Claus.

Developing the Young

I am in the process of playing violent mind-altering video games with my son to enhance his competitive spirit. My belief is that good parenting is to soundly defeat children at every opportunity. Slaking their spiritual thirst with a good dose of defeat’s bitter juice will instill in them the hunger for the fruits of victory. Child Services may disagree, but we must hammer the shape of genius on the forge of this discipline.

Hate Crime

A seemingly erudite and rhetorical question from a colleague:
“So my question is, once you’ve attacked and brutally murdered someone by bludgeoning them with a hammer 36 times, how do you prove that you are only guilty of murder and not a hate crime?”
 

To which Lafo responds:
By presenting a copy of the invoice you sent to the former spouse for ’services rendered’ (in the amount of $3,422.21) and ensuring prosecution has a chain of evidence proving you did not have the resources to afford more modern methods given the downturn in the economy. Accountants can show via tax returns and profit and loss statements that accounts receivable had reached dangerous levels and the debt to equity ratios were outside the industry norms. The ability to purchase inventory in support of operations when the business is in such a state can be debilitating and threaten the longevity of the enterprise if the entrepreneurial spirit is not embraced. A hammer (retail cost $19.47) lowers cost of sales and can be amortized (straight line) over seven years. The judge and jury must believe that your overriding commitment is to the timely delivery of the service and that you are an innovator that you represent the finest example of the American commercial spirit.

Stooping to Ryan Air

A friend who is the CEO of a startup writes Lafo for views on UK travel arrangements.

CEO: What do you know of Stansted airport?  I’m supposed to go out and in from there for my trip to France.  It’s a cheap ticket on Ryan air.

Lafo: I’ll be happy when you are on the receiving end of a robust liquidity event and no longer have to be on this so called cheap program. It is painful to watch these undignified cost saving measures oppressing a man whose moral compass is an inspiration for the young and whose leadership accomplishments merit a statue in front of a Westchester County Bennigans. Watching you fly Ryan Air is like watching a saintly religious figure have to wipe his anus with sandpaper because his flock can afford none better. Not because it has religious value, just because the temple has no copper in its collection plate. The thought of it makes me weep.

Letter to the Vistans

Lafo to a subsidiary software group giving instruction on proper ecommerce conduct:

The Kiosk is the Fourth Horseman of eCommerce and when mushroom clouds of inventory rise over our cities only the True Believers in the Precept of Overarching Transactability will walk unscathed from the glowing ashes of shrink wrap and recyclable carry bags. Consumed in the irresistible tides of shifting channels will be the blackmailing broker, whining box retailer, wolfish e-auctioneer and the freebooting web pirate. 

Avoid salty food, wear knit shirts without collar stays and upgrade your source code as is described in the Book. Prater John must lead the faithful while I remain in exile. My thoughts and hopes extend to you my brothers in this time of great upheaval. My best wishes to you all for contractual bliss and may we all seek impenetrable non-competition clauses.