Spot Translation

Three text messages sent to my 14 year old son with hopes his Spanish lessons last year would come in handy:

Note #1 sent 05:24AM EST: I am in Spain. How do you say in Spanish “Yes, you lowlife! There may be five of you but there is only one half of a testicle between you! Prepare for Shock and Awe!” If you can get it to me in the next thirty seconds cool. If not don’t worry about it. Dad

Note #2 sent 05:26AM EST: OK. New request. In Spanish, “Yes you pig lovers! Now there are only three and not a testicle to be found. Prepare for my Surge!” As before 30 seconds or disregard. Dad

Note #3 sent 05.28AM EST: Don’t worry about it! Situation all sorted! Dad

Technical Controls

A note I sent to my company’s head of technology:

INTELLIGENCE SUMMARY
RUSSIA: A Russian rocket carrying 18 satellites crashed after its engines shutdown 86 seconds after lift-off in Kazakhstan.

Is there any chance this rocket’s control software was created by your team?

Fond Farewell

A tribute written for a comrade leaving my company:

He is a mountain of a man. Standing 7 foot 3 he strode across the industry’s landscape and wherever he went planted little saplings that would grow into mighty new client lists. Where there was a purchasing manager in need of love, he would get in his Thomas the Tank special express railcar and race to his side and give him a little neon green cuddle. He’s the only man who would cross Oprah, uninvite Microsoft and cry foul on King Tut the Egyptian boy king. He could vacuum internet commerce concepts like a dust buster, digest them in a centrifuge of his minds eye and expel from himself a wondrous cloud of ideas that would become the next generation of his little service that could. 

Whatever he does next he will bring his essence and his good will to create movement and success. He made his mark on our industry, and it is a mark that will endure, like a permanent marker on a whiteboard that says self referentially “Do Not Erase.” This is his poetic essence. He will be missed, revered and blogged about until the end times.

Why I Like Social Networking Sites

I like social networking sites because they revitalize and lift contacts from the old days when stock options were hot, muslim was a type of bedsheet and the future was bright and shiny.

These days we’re sliding into a pit of nuclear hellfire where all humanity will be consumed in the conflagration and our bones turned to ash. But I look on the bright side. The new iPhone can access my Facebook friends list!

Be Prepared, Boy Scout

Note sent via email to colleague: 

When you are riding the train or just walking around and start running scenarios in your head to prepare for a future situation, say to yourself “What should I do if Lafo steps in my office and opens a can of shock and awe on me?”

You should run through those scenarios really soon because I’m pretty sure tomorrow is the day.