Former Baghdad dwelling roommate writes:

I’m in the US. I finished the deployment.

 Currently London dwelling fatcat writes:

Congratulations on getting home safe and sound. When you want to exploit your experiences with book rights and movie deals it is helpful to survive.

Above the glass ceiling we think about the impact of our actions in a 360 degree sphere of value creation. We have good court sense, understanding the full impact of our action vectors. As such, I wonder if you have fully considered the impact of your finished deployment on my ability to blog. I don’t think you have.

To keep the vitality of the writing project alive I think we should find some additional places you can travel and get in harms way. If I could suggest you become a kindergarten cop or a school hall monitor. Those little monsters can provide great material. Maybe you could be a taser test subject, or a hybrid car crash test dummy.

There’s no YOU in team and I hope once you have had a chance to relax and readjust to civilization you’ll once again embrace the fantastic opportunity to create material that you putting yourself in harms way affords us both.

Dear Dwell Webmaster,

I purchased the Stained oak veneer, mirrored glass · Dimensions : h156cm : w92cm : d45cm : table h77cm” Loop Leg Dressing Table Darkwood with two drawers and mirror (product 101590) for £145.00 and took delivery in my home in London. Dwell as an order and delivery system worked sufficiently. As for the end product, it was rubbish.

I have assembled many flatpack legoland wonders so I am accustomed to all manner of these objects as they arrive in their cardboard shipping boxes and sticky tape fastenings. This one is a particularly bad example of what can go wrong with these products.  You should send a stiff note to your product buyer, and they can send an edict of displeasure on to the Malaysian slave labour camp they use to create these lousy fiberboard furniture approximations. Perhaps you can instruct the inmates on the power of product quality by cutting their rations to half a bowl of gruel a day.

The instructions included were a half a page of wrinkled paper showing a fully assembled loop leg dressing table (darkwood) with a kaleidoscope of arrows that looked more like a two year old’s scribble than any meaningful instruction meant for human use. The fastening objects depicted were indistinguishable from each other. It was more useful to look at the picture on the box than the instructions. People who create drawings like this are usually locked in padded rooms. There was no meaningful sequence to follow, no explanation of the ‘twisty lock’ technical marvel that holds it together. Fortunately I have encountered the twisty lock before. I imagine you have had other complaints because your website has an explanatory paragraph on the twisty lock.

The insstructions have a nice line in para 9: “Follow the instructions carefully and don’t rush. Take a break when feeling tired.” That means you must at some level understand that building this fibreboard concoction will take so long we should plan for naps when exhausted. No doubt you call that messaging consumer relationship value add. Nice work.

The piece itself is of such dimensions that it requires the assembler to have non standard tools. Specifically, the space age twisty locks are inside the drawer assembly where there is 4 inches of clearance. A standard screwdriver is 6.5 inches long. So when you buy this Dwell.com marvel, you have to also buy a shortened 3” screwdriver or you cannot assemble it. That means the actual price is £151.99 plus labour to acquire the special screwdriver. Interestingly, the ‘tools required’ shown on the useless instructions include a poor rendition of a standard screwdriver. Additionally, the holes were not properly drilled. It looked like the drill machine was set incorrectly because on one piece where the holes should have been there were only indentations. I had to redrill the holes myself. When I saw the fine handiwork you sell beneath the Dwell brand, I thought that for you, those indentations were not failures, but statements of Dwell QUALITY.

Why do I care so much about a flatpack fibreboard dressing table with ill conceived documentation delivered undrilled and made so difficult to assemble I should take breaks between sessions? I don’t. Its just another highly branded, cheaply made, globally shipped, overpriced piece of ‘product’ that has the cultural staying power of a Burger King anything but beef frozen patty served at the drive thru window at Home Depot’s joint venture with Walmart – WalBurgerDepot. Why should you care? You might not. But a product sold under your brand had the quality of a trailer park credenza and if you are happy with it, I guess we should be too.

From a friend:

Where is the blog? Haven’t seen an update in a while….

Lafo responds:

Oh, apologies for not stopping my life to crack a joke or two to lighten your day, Mr. Real Estate Man. Hey, haven’t seen any new buildings being built in your neighborhood. Why have you been slacking off? How does some of that sugar feel spread on your bagel? Mr. Let’s Use Peer Pressure to Elevate Our Friend’s Performance.

So now we WATCH each other to ensure we’re up to some concept of productivity levels?  What kind of communist manifestation am I seeing here? You count my posts per week now and send me a reminder to pick up the pace now. Mr. Report My Buddies Low Productivity to Authorities.  

Its an electronic version of the guards and prisoners experiment and you are standing there in mirrored sunglasses with a baton in your hand ready to beat me to a pulp when I don’t give you a giggle on command. I see Shawshank but I’m not seeing much redemption.  Mr. Buy Me Jackboots For Christmas and Call Me Saddam Claus.

Lawyer buddy writes:

I go into Starbucks and ask if they can toast a bagel. “You can” the Barista replies.  He sees the perplexed look on my face.  “At your home.” He clarifies.  “We can’t toast the bagels. Legal reasons. ”

Lafo responds:

Some hyper attenuated legal posse calculated the liability of toasted bagels across the entire Stabucks system and determined the risk outweighed the benefit of toasting the bagels so they literally removed the finishing service while still offering the raw product. Food prep meets flat pack.

What is even more a statement about the sign of these end times is that the communication all the way down the chain from legal posse to zit faced coffee jockey was not a repackaging of a customer facing service message like “I’m sorry we don’t toast bagels here. Would you prefer a muffin instead?”, rather it is considered completely acceptable to offload the work so you can “take it home” because the lawyers said so. And that’s considered good messaging at the counter because the US is a corporatocracy run by lawyers, Indian casino operators and porno magnates.

You were victimized by your own kind. As you gnawed on that uncooked pasty bread mass I hope you considered your own role in propping up the monstrous legal mechanism and how at heart you may be an OK guy, but through your actions you create the rules and findings that suck the life from the very society upon which you feed.

Face yourself. Take a good hard look at what you are sowing before the day of judgment comes and you are reaping a ring of Hellfire!

Roommate writes from Baghdad:

I cannot download music here. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to purchase a copy of the CD (which is readily available in England) and mail it to me.

Lafo replies from London:

I am glad to support our forces in the field with the acquisition and delivery of entertainment. Being an executive of some influence in entertainment field I consider doing so patriotic act. Unfortunately I will have to ask around to find out how to purchase a CD as I don’t actually do it myself.

In the corridors of power we try to avoid the retail end of things because while retailing products is useful in making money from others it’s a needlessly expensive way to acquire what you want. For example, when it comes to music I have interns at the office download my song selections from super fast websites and load them into my music player. These interns are young and useful for doing such technical chores.

Like what I’ve done with my interns perhaps you can enlist a couple of young soldiers to work out a way to pull music from digital devices and store them in a single place. You can collect music from your fellows as they arrive and distribute it to curry favor with your colleagues. With such a resource you would enhance your unique position at the base. If the lawyers from the music companies come after you for doing this, cite wartime conditions and back them off by waving around the Patriot Act.

Roommate writes from Iraq:

What we do is complain. And this goes way back, by the way. If you could listen in on a conversation in any camp of the Roman Legion or any formation of Spartan or Athenian Infantry, you would hear men complaining about the food, the pay, the marching, and their officers Fast forward to Iraq and Afghanistan: same-same.

Lafo responds from the UK:

And for centuries the complaints of soldiers have formed the baseline for innovation and out of the box thinking. Without the clear knowledge of what is wrong we cannot know which hurdles to jump. Where some see complaints, others see opportunity.

Above the glass ceiling we let ourselves complain endlessly because we know it to be a brainstorming exercise. I can recall a six month process of relentless feedback which ended up at the CEO level regarding the unacceptably small width of my personal parking space. It was completely distracting to be constantly worried about getting a ding on the door of my new Beemer.

For you I recommend using an old trick from the business world. Listen carefully to the complaints of the group around you and package them all into a ‘solution set’ with your name on it. Simply reverse the nature of each complaint and turn it into an action item. Your solution package will lift you above the herd and earn you a seat at Senate Committee Hearings and guest appearances on the Kathy Griffin’s “My Life on the D List.”

Roommate writes from Baghdad:

My colleague’s departure has created a hole in the organization and as nature abhors a vacuum I have decided to up my game and become larger than life.

Lafo responds from London:

It is very good to hear you say those words. I can imagine that your ability to stand out with a proper use of a reflective vest, your connections with US Senatorial assistants and your control of the luxury suite will all contribute to a new oversized you.

Above the glass ceiling we are all larger than life. As a matter of principles if you are the same size as life you are not allowed to pass upward to the halls of greatness. As wielders of corporate power we don’t stand on the shoulders of giants, we are the giants. The press, the party circuit and private jets are all instruments that tastefully increase personal mass.

For you I recommend a high visibility operation with helicopters and explosions. Good for video cuts. Then leak the action on YouTube with your voiceover and a press release to followup. Any discomfort felt at the command level will be counteracted by your witty appearance on The Maury Povich Show. With such a larger than life plan you will without doubt write your place into the lucrative chapters of the annals of Victory.

Roommate writes from the Green Zone:

Recently a policy directive was sent out from the command that demanded that all Soldiers, Sailors, Airman, and Marines were to wear reflective vests over their uniforms during periods of darkness. The purpose of the directive is to prevent Soldiers from being hit by vehicles. We are so good to our enemies. We want to make sure that they have an aim point when shooting us at night.

LaFo writes from Zone One:

The wearing of a reflective vest communicates an authority that can impress the locals and inspire them to embrace their civic duty. The beauty of the reflective vest is that it differentiates the wearer and marks them as worthy of respect. Take for example the construction worker directing traffic at the dusty detour spot. When vest man says stop, you stop.

Above the glass ceiling we always try to differentiate in order to inspire. For example, when presenting at a seminar on offshore profit strategies we wear that smart casual shirt and trouser combination to show we exist in a state of zenlike calm as we send jobs to the third world. A tasteful cuff fastener communicates our solid grounding in the tradition of exclusivity that is the hallmark of the few that make it to our level.

A policy can at first glance seem unenlightened can on full study prove to be a vehicle that serves a higher purpose. If you look here you may find that the simple reflective vest worn by all the troops is a commitment to the worldwide dissemination of American style gravitas.

Roommate Writes from Baghdad:

I received a Sexual Harassment Brief at the Pentagon in May, again at Ft. Benning prior to deploying and then again in July in Iraq. I was not happy that I had to spend valuable deployment prep time at Benning a few days before deploying to a combat zone. I can think of a few other classes that should have been given. I was even unhappier having to spend two hours receiving the same brief while in Iraq

Lafo responds from London:

In the entertainment world we believe that rote learning is the loom upon which we weave the cloth of innovative thinking. For you, replacing sessions on medical aid, fire and maneuver and IED awareness with repeated good touch/bad touch classes will keep you and your horny colleagues thinking outside the box while keeping your more unseemly weapons on safe.

The good news is in the event of a misfire in the barracks shower or an untoward rub up in the storage shed the attorneys can insulate the reputation of the chain of command with an asbestos filling of class rosters and procedural documentation.

It is the way of our people that the edifice of moral superiority creates the structural foundation for increased combat power. Let us discourage anything that openly threatens moral superiority and quietly devote resources to providing the troops booze, online porn and personal time for masturbation.

Former Roommate writes from the Green Zone:
 
I had a conversation with a US Senator and his Military Legislative Affairs (MLA) staffer who were in Iraq getting a bit o’ ground truth. They asked me for my opinion about what is going on over here and I chose instead to complain about having to keep my weapon unloaded everywhere I go. How lame is that?
 

Lafo responds from Zone One:
 
Not lame, but definitely a missed opportunity. When walking in the shadow of the powerful I try to only whisper platitudes in their hairless ears so as to not distract them from navigating the velvet carpeted path of greatness. The worthy never want to hear of our problems, only how we will do our small part to enhance the glory of their solutions.

For example, I would have enlisted the services of a bespectacled intelligence analyst to research the Senate voting record and then proceeded to assure the Senator that every position he ever endorsed is progressing with stunning success. Then off to the Luxury Suite for a lively firefight and afterward a roaring cavalcade to a converted ex-palace for an illicit nightcap with some 10 year old Scotch set aside for a visit from someone as illustrious as He.

I find that breathing deeply the ass exhaust of the powerful clears the emotional bracken of extraneous self worth and assures a steady ascent to the peak of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs.