Insurance Claims

Former roommate writes from Baghdad:

I was finishing up the day when an email shot across the net telling folks that the camp where I live was closed until further notice because rounds had fallen on the area and one had yet to be defused. When the all clear was finally called I went to the camp note knowing if my home was still there. It felt a bit freaky.

I could picture the call to my insurance company:

“Hello, this is Sandra at USAA, how can I help you?”
“Well… uh… I need to submit a claim for my laptop and some other stuff that was destroyed today…”

Lafo responds from London:

Good friend, review your renters policy and be careful of deductibles and clauses for and Acts of Allah. You have to extract max value from the $139.99 per month standard contents insurance policy. You might raise some havoc with the insurance drones if you submit a claim for ‘assorted mortar fire.’  In case that inconvenient mortar round obliterates your belongings, can I suggest you cite as the cause the more common and acceptable ‘theft’ or ‘flooding.’

Why just recently my long suffering wife threw at me and broke my own laptop when I arrived home after a booze fueled night with the boys. The matter was resolved to everyone’s satisfaction with a quick claim of ‘vandalism.’

Remember that an ethical life is the foundation of democracy, but a white lie in the cause of force preparedness can also serve as a flying buttress for the cathedral of freedom.

Developing the Young

I am in the process of playing violent mind-altering video games with my son to enhance his competitive spirit. My belief is that good parenting is to soundly defeat children at every opportunity. Slaking their spiritual thirst with a good dose of defeat’s bitter juice will instill in them the hunger for the fruits of victory. Child Services may disagree, but we must hammer the shape of genius on the forge of this discipline.

Citibank the Terrible

Absolutely true in every detail and it speaks plainly for itself: 

Dear Citibank,

Look at yourself, you bloated jabba hut financial maggot leeched onto the jugular of the American Dream. You gargantuan percentage point scorer in a sport with no name, driving the baseline of morality farting your spam mail into the clear air of freedom. Look at yourself and flinch at the reality of your own putrescence. Citibank the Putrid.

In April of 2007 you sent me a letter offering me a home equity line of credit. Being a good consumer susceptible to marketing messages I gladly responded. A home equity line of credit makes me a good American. To draw down the equity on my home so I can purchase more consumer products at the big box retailers and then cram these Chinese made disposable trinkets into my highly leveraged home (or a nearby convenient storage facility when the space runs out) moves the economy, creates tax flow and pays for the war effort.

You had a person named Richard Flowers call me who proceeded over the course of sixty days confusedly ‘dribble request’ different pieces of paperwork one at a time, as if Richard Flowers and Citibank The Bloated and Blind had in fact never done a home equity line of credit application before. Each day Richard Flowers would ask for one more pay stub, one additional clarification of account or one final proof of this and that. For a tax return that was two years old and seventy pages in length I was told Richard Flowers could not accept scanned copies. It had to be mailed or faxed. Faxed, but not scanned meaning you give Richard Flowers 30 year old technology that gives rotten copies on curly paper but Richard Flowers can not accept a scan because Citibank the Ludditical doesn’t give Richard Flowers that 15 year old innovation called electronic mail. You are lame. You senseless weak kneed dying beast. You carcass. Citibank the Foul Financial Carrion.

In sheer frustration I told Richard (Flowers) the Mousehearted that I could not be bothered with any more paper drills. I did not want your credit line, did not need it and was withdrawing from the process. The equity on the home was 4 times the amount I was asking and Richard (Flowers) the Mousehearted just couldn’t get his weak grip around the handle of it. So I quit. Left you behind. Washed my hands of your process and your dire intent, your weak representatives and your ancient communication technology. Citibank the Osolescent.

Thirty days later I get a letter from you stating you have denied my loan because “It could not be granted under the conditions requested.” Basically you send me a letter saying “No, WE’RE breaking up with YOU.” Risible. Bureaucratic. Offensive. Conditions requested? The conditions I requested, you flaming red monkey butt of incompetence, is that the loan be processed on the scale measured in one human lifetime. If that is too much to ask, then so be it you lumbering armadillo of financial scale, you rhinoceros hided beast. Citibank the Slow and Lame.

After this ever so hurtful process and your subsequent rejection of my request to not have a line of credit process take a century or more, you sent me another letter offering me a line of credit in July, and another in August. You skunk bit marketing dog coming back for more juicing my mailbox with the stench of needless and redundant letters. You database inept clowns. You spamming, direct mailing perverted assaulters on liberty. Citibank the Inept.

Go away. Simply go away to that place where big, slow Orwellian monsters go to slide into the tar pit and fossilize. Leave me be you wretched BEAST. You’re a big dumb joke and it’s a joke you don’t even get.  Stop sending me home equity line of credit letters.

Kind regards,

reference number 107050***315000 (JT20-1 MJ201)

Request for Recommendations

Former Roommate writes from the Green Zone in Baghdad:

“WHUMP…WHUMP/WHUMP!” Mortar attack. I was only a few feet away from a “Duck and Cover” so I jumped in. A gate guard immediately followed. Then another person. And another. Within seconds, the Duck and Cover was at capacity, with about 10 or more people all jammed into that small environ in 120 degrees heat.

Lafo response from Zone One in London:

These stories about you ducking mortar fire and wielding your kung-fu grip to strangle Commies are real crowd pleasers. I just can’t get enough of them. Maybe you could punch them up a bit by sharing some celebrity sightings or better yet Baghdad restaurant recommendations. It is terribly useful to be able to reach into your kit bag and pull out a “top 5″ list.

iraq stories iraq stories

Above Glass Ceiling Motivational Poster #3

The third in my award winning Common Sense Makes More Profit Cents™ global program.

Bomb Shelter Basics

From a colleague seeking recommendations on nuclear preparedness:

I’m doing some contingency planning in the event of a nuclear strike on mainland America by evildoers. I am in the early stages of creating a spec for a bomb shelter. Any recommendations?

Lafo responds:

You are faced with a vexing problem given the small space so typical of a decently appointed shelter. People fleeing a nuclear strike will most likely have fought their way through horrible traffic and may be somewhat flustered when they arrive, so a good valet is a must. It is a nice touch to provide cars with some protection. An important person’s car is a statement, and having the wax coat protected from the nuclear flash means you are serious about pampering your guests.

Enjoying refreshments while waiting for the radiation to subside will make the difference between having “A” list people join your soiree versus a mob of pretenders. Good refreshments hydrate as well as tickle the palate. A well stocked bar will be important as the very best people denied access to communications and personal assistants will want to smooth their nerves with a libation.

After the initial energy begins to fade from the gathering there will the quite a disconcerting wait while FEMA teams clear the area of debris. EMP will make electronic devices unusable, so light reading materials are best to keep your guests amused.  A nice finishing touch when the gathering ends will be gift bags with anti-radiation pills, gas masks and gift certificates for massages. You can’t overestimate the restorative effects of a good massage after a stressful day.

corporate fatcat corporate fatcat

Luxury Suite

Former roommate writes from the Baghdad’s Green Zone: 

Suddenly a horrific gun battle erupts about 400 meters away.  Light machine guns versus small arms. I am on a balcony sort of thing on the second floor of a building overlooking the part of the city where the fight was taking place.

Lafo responds from London’s Zone One:

When you have seats with a great view elevated above a show you can call it a luxury suite. With a little hospitality (cold cuts, champagne, hot pockets) you could charge corporates a nice amount for client entertainment. Think outside the box and innovate, innovate, innovate.

iraq stories iraq stories

Above Glass Ceiling Motivational Poster #2

The second in my award winning Common Sense Makes More Profit Cents™ global program.

 

Complaint email to Fornsica

After spending 20 minutes trying to order a small piece of furniture from a web purveyor of flatpack rubbish I sent them this note.

To Fornsica.com Customer Service:

Terrible checkout process. Confusing, not helpful. Tried to bang my way through your process twice which sent me offsite to HSBC, to Verified by Visa then came back to the middle of the process with no explanation until I tried again and a small bar at the top says ‘fraudshield placed in review state’ - whatever.

Your web usability people should be punished severely and the best punishment I can conceive of at this point is to force them for the remainder of their natural lives to try and transact on this monstrous electronic torture chamber they have created. I will cancel this order or orders in whatever fashion it emerges once your processes do whatever needs to be done to determine if I have or have not ordered, or have ordered twice.

Verified by Visa, HSBC, Fraudshield, Chinese made flatpack overpriced rubbish, Fornsica = waste of life energy. There are hundreds of places to buy home kit and wasting my time with this one won’t happen again. As a matter is fact, it would probably be easier and the result more satisfactory to walk into a stand of trees, cut a few down and fashion my own furnishings than to be twisted around in your electronic web of pain and suffering. Shame on you and the bit/byte mediocrity you have wrought on the world.

Spot Translation

Three text messages sent to my 14 year old son with hopes his Spanish lessons last year would come in handy:

Note #1 sent 05:24AM EST: I am in Spain. How do you say in Spanish “Yes, you lowlife! There may be five of you but there is only one half of a testicle between you! Prepare for Shock and Awe!” If you can get it to me in the next thirty seconds cool. If not don’t worry about it. Dad

Note #2 sent 05:26AM EST: OK. New request. In Spanish, “Yes you pig lovers! Now there are only three and not a testicle to be found. Prepare for my Surge!” As before 30 seconds or disregard. Dad

Note #3 sent 05.28AM EST: Don’t worry about it! Situation all sorted! Dad